I was born as ‘My Dear Hope.’ I was born The storm never stopped. I didn’t know as a call to cast hope into a rocking terrain of a family. I was set in life with two older monsters of half siblings, overwhelmed parents, and then met with my baby brother (and trauma buddy). I stood in the middle of a crisis, a new panic everyday, and a never ending tornado. No matter where I abide I can still always hear tornado sirens. I didn’t get to pick where I stood. I learned to function in the midst of a stormy surrounding. I came into the world and was supposed to be the hope that could help calm the storm.

The storm never stopped. I didn’t know life could be any different. I thought it was healthy because I didn’t know any better. I thought I was healthy for it because I had to be so Self Reliant. My Self Reliance became so unsustainable. The burnout caused me to crawl up the wall over and over again. I lost a part of myself having to be the only one holding myself up for so long. I was forced to react, only to sink or swim. I never got to cast a safety net on others. Loss is partly what we never got to experience. Never got to what we needed. Those losses carve out a person that is the same but completely different.

She was just a baby. She never got what she needed and now she lives as my loss.