I was born as ‘My Dear Hope.’ I was born The storm never stopped. I didn’t know as a call to cast hope into a rocking terrain of a family. I was set in life with two older monsters of half siblings, overwhelmed parents, and then met with my baby brother (and trauma buddy). I stood in the middle of a crisis, a new panic everyday, and a never ending tornado. No matter where I abide I can still always hear tornado sirens. I didn’t get to pick where I stood. I learned to function in the midst of a stormy surrounding. I came into the world and was supposed to be the hope that could help calm the storm.

The storm never stopped. I didn’t know life could be any different. I thought it was healthy because I didn’t know any better. I thought I was healthy for it because I had to be so Self Reliant. My Self Reliance became so unsustainable. The burnout caused me to crawl up the wall over and over again. I lost a part of myself having to be the only one holding myself up for so long. I was forced to react, only to sink or swim. I never got to cast a safety net on others. Loss is partly what we never got to experience. Never got to what we needed. Those losses carve out a person that is the same but completely different.

She was just a baby. She never got what she needed and now she lives as my loss.

Mothers are difficult. They grow us, and give life. They love us unconditionally, and then try to break into our cracks to make us grow a certain way.
My mom has had to fight a lot of battles. Her mother had to flight a lot of battles. My mom made a lot of sacrifices for me and my siblings. She did her best at the time
to give me what she could. She did not even know what she was fighting for a long time. She would constantly pull back and forth, pulling me with her, while also remaining steady.
It’s hard. Being a mom is a hard job. Relationships with our mothers are hard. There are always missed expectations. A loss at what was needed.

You cannot stand your mother. You love your mother.